Kim Jong Il's Three Sons: A Douche, A Gay, A "Brilliant Comrade"

Someday, one of whacked-out demon leader Kim Jong Il's sons is going to inherit the porcelain throne that is North Korea's government. What makes the spawn of a psychotic despot tick? » 7/19/09 9:30pm 7/19/09 9:30pm

Meet the Magic Condom, Inspiring Teen Sex and Gay Cops

Baby Winged Cupid's got competish! This French spot for Durex has a mystical used purple condom package that flies through town inspiring old folks, male cops and teens to do the nasty. That's right, teens. » 7/19/09 7:00pm 7/19/09 7:00pm

Paula Abdul and American Idol Divorce, TVs Nationwide Implode

American Idol charming kook Paula Abdul has not, we repeat, NOT received a contract for next season, which starts shooting in, um, three weeks. Is it the end of television? Will FOX fold? It's Armageddon! » 7/19/09 5:00pm 7/19/09 5:00pm

Knock-Knock, It's Your Friendly Neighborhood Nazi

The Post reports that 300 old school, "Heil Hitler" Nazis lurk in America, doing monstrosities like retiring in Michigan and tending flowers in Queens. Meanwhile, new school Nazis spread seeds of hate by makin' sweet love to Israeli women. » 7/19/09 4:00pm 7/19/09 4:00pm

Mark Sanford Bitchslaps Soulmate In Open Letter

In a groveling open letter, Gov. Mark Sanford calls his whole affair his "funeral," negating all the warm fuzzies his sultry Argentinian shoved-under-the-rug soulmate felt from his love letters. Those flames of love burn, baby, burn. » 7/19/09 1:45pm 7/19/09 1:45pm

NYT Foodie Frank Bruni Glorifies Kiddie Bulimia

In today's Times Magazine, former restaurant critic Frank Bruni vomits up a lot verbiage to describe how he'd purge his meals Roman-style in an effort to eat more, at the age of 1! Whoa, this is one bloated cover story. » 7/19/09 11:20am 7/19/09 11:20am

Don't Rain On Cronkite's Parade, Old Man!

The World's Oldest Man died at age 113 today in what we hope is not a publicity stunt to steal Walter Cronkite's thunder. His secret to longevity? Tons of smoking, boozing and sexing up the ladies. They all say that! » 7/18/09 7:00pm 7/18/09 7:00pm

God and Satan Square Off As Episcopal Church Blesses Gay Unions

Episcopalians may implode on themselves in bloody civil war. As the only religion to step into the 21st Century, the U.S. Episcopal Church has declared Hell Yes to blessing same-sex unions. The global church is a-gonna raise hell. » 7/18/09 5:30pm 7/18/09 5:30pm

The Week In Orgies: Oprah's Sex Cruise & Eyes Wide Shut LIVE

The owner of a British manor house is stunned when recent renters host a masked ball that turns orgiastic, and Oprah's gala cruise for her staff turns into a floating bathhouse. Ah, the summer of love... » 7/18/09 4:30pm 7/18/09 4:30pm

Susan Boyle's Campaign to Win Next Year's Razzie

Eking out a 16th minute, housefrump-turned-household-name Susan Boyle sits with Today to voice soundbits with all the enthusiasm of a funeral director. Once more, with feeling, Suze! And Cowell, send her to Lee Strasberg, stat! » 7/18/09 3:30pm 7/18/09 3:30pm

"Hey, Little Jim, Tiny Sally: Get Your Brains Blown Out In Iraq"

Fresh after this week's sobering slideshow of our troops in the Middle East, Matchbox toys comes out with an oddball ad campaign to spark kids' war fantasies of returning home draped in the American flag. » 7/18/09 2:00pm 7/18/09 2:00pm

Pepsi on Jackson's Hairfire: Whatevs and 'Refresh Everything'

If they only had a heart. Upon seeing this week's spine-tingling video of Michael Jackson's '84 Pepsi ad accident, Pepsi and vid director Bob Giraldi don't give a shit. The international moment of dead pop star respect is officially finito. » 7/18/09 12:00pm 7/18/09 12:00pm

In Rare Burst Of Sanity, Pope Now Lovin' Evil Gay Oscar Wilde And Evil…

Feeling sprightly after recovering from wrist surgery yesterday, Pope Benedict the &!# gives that corrupter of innocence Harry Potter and flagrant 'mosexual Oscar Wilde the thumbs up. It's another loony episode of "That's Our Benny!" » 7/18/09 10:15am 7/18/09 10:15am